Woooh, its been 5 months!! i wil review some of my goals and dream.

I think I have lost 4kg? He he everyone says i lose some weight, maybe because i ate more vegetables and noodles instead of meat and rice. Now I am very into healthy food, I like fresh and avoid soft drinks and fast food and french fries. I dont really like oily food anymore, i think its good.

Especially since all these are causes of cancer, my distant relatives have diabetes and tumour, so if i dont take care of my health i might get it too.

When I am reaching 30, what are my worries.. of course relationship haha..will i ever get married, all my close friends and best friends has moved on, I am super happy for them but i also feel the worry that creeps in. This is my torn in my flesh at 2010.

But I am happy that my brother baptised! It was unexpected and truly a gift from God. I know this will be a great year!! Because i will turn 27 and its my lucky number :) besides 13.. reasons because both are my birth dates. One is my physical birthdate and the other my spiritual birthdate ^^

I will look at life this year positively!!

Okay i am gonna slash some of my dream cause it has come true or some a little hard to achieve this year!! ^^

Resolution 2010

things i want to do in 2010

1 Read the Bible everyday and pray to God many times in a day to feel His presence.
2 Exercise on being Patient; when thing do not go the right directions (times when i need to scream, let me be silent)
3 Smile more, talk less, listen more.
4 Count my blessings everyday.
5 Save a fixed amount $$$ for a house in BatamMoved to 2012
6 Have a personal business plan drafted by June 2010.Moved to 2012
7 Lose 10 Kg5Kg!!
8 Play Badminton once a week. Will Jog instead..:P
9 Love people.
10 Build new friendship and create deeper bond with the old friends.
11 Have more single's hangout
12 Travel to Korea in Autumn
13 Fruitful in mission (17 April 2010, my brother got baptised!)
14 Finish Korean language programme from the online lessons- Sogang no time :(
15 Celebrate BIG party!! woohoo for my 27th Bday ^^

Picture of you

As I sketch a picture of you
My heart skips a beat or two
Just the thought of you
makes me smile like a fool.

It seems silly though
how you can stay in my mind
an image that cant be bought
so one of a kind

Though we seldom
meet face to face
your image is enough
to keep me in place
But will it be enough hmm
without your real presence
to embrace

A Beautiful Mess. J.Mraz

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
Though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
That this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt oh dear
Cause here we are, Here we are
Here we are [x7]
We're still here
What a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

Through timeless words, and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds, out of this earth
And times they turn, and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts
But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.

Its 1.30am in the morning and i find it hard to close my eyes.

Tears seems to keep streaming out from my eyes and its clogging my nasal and making it harder to breath.

The night felt so dark and quiet that i can feel my heart throbbing in anguish and aches.

Thinking back, is it worth to love?

When all you get at the end of the day are just heart-aches and puffy eyes.

Yes, yes here it goes again, I feel the way I felt when my fb went steady. Or discovering the sober truth about someone i like, likes someone else.

I am just wondering, whose fault is it? Isn't love made to be beautiful? But its so hard when you keep on loving with no returns.

Yes, yes, look at the Lord, He did it. That's how I find Jesus is so great and His love is an agape love. He can love everyone and die for all of us despite knowing the facts that some of us may not feel the same way.

But now I am focusing on my own pain, instead of looking up on Him i look down on myself. Here you go again, another false hope. Another heart ache. Another feeling of abandonement.

I just need to get this out of my chest, so that i can breath again, so i can move on. I have been here before, many times, I should know how to cope with this feeling.

But will this make me continue to fall for the same thing? To let my heart be bare, to let someone touch it and makes me fall in love again and again..but at the end of it will i get hurt again when that someone chooses someone else.

What a battle, but I cant help to feel this way. I am a mere human who is made to love, to feel, to care, to admire, shall i stop it so that i will not get hurt anymore, or should I continue till I leave this earth.

With that effect, yes, I know you have been avoiding me, please dont do that..I have moved on as well so we can still be friends :) and dont worry whatever you did for me, I know its because you love me as Jesus did and I will not mistaken it or be misled by your friendship.

With the others that had been creating opportunities for us..please dont do that.. especially when it is not mutual, because you will end up hurting people like me :) and all those teasing and all those poking, please stop (unless its mutual ah, then i get the sign.. >"<)!! The Bible talks about building each other up !!

Okay now I can go to sleep already. I feel so much better!! HaAAAAHhhhh (get it all out of my chest!!)


ps: for the rest that reads, please excuse me, I am just being emo..

Single retreat was very inspiring!! It challenge me not to assume that getting married is what complete us as a woman. I guess it has helped me a lot to deal with the yearning to find a life companion. Being in the Kingdom, we have this Heaven on Earth experience. In Heaven I don't think we are married to anyone but Christ and that's how it should be now since we have our brothers and sisters.

Thankfully I went for the single retreat, they should have this every year! I can say that my attitude about friendship with brothers changed after this. I no longer only build friendship for a reason but for the facts that God loves and therefore I need to imitate His love. Of course friendship with sisters I have no problem building. I guess its my pride too for holding back my love as a sister for the brothers.

Singleness does not equate us with loneliness, we can be single yet contented! I had a lot of spiritual buffet during the retreat and it quench my lonely soul.. I realize at one junction in time we will be bound to be alone. Just watching Beaches helps me to be grateful for all my best friends and I want to make more effort to be there, to be your CC Bloom!! ^^

I have been reading "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" and I am thinking that, yes! everyone I know, God has placed them for a reason, to teach me lessons, to help me grow and molded into what He wants me to be. We were all created for a reason and that itself has helped me to feel special.

I just feeling much better now, maybe because many things are beginning to settle in.

Past few days I have been overwhelmed with all the planning, leading, organizing, and it get to the point where I want things to work out well and i just couldnt sit and wait for things to happen.

Maybe the instinct of being in leadership, makes me take charge to ensure everything will be okay, to make sure the team can win.

I didnt realise with these responsibility its also a time for humility. To get people to help and to work together as a team. Many of the responsibility i try to shoulder but when the outcome doesnt come out as how i wanted it too i get very dissapointed.

Oh well i am glad many of such are over and there is no point being discourage of not winning, just look at the brighter side of the story and that many has been a great lessons from God.

I am still learning..everyday.. now more aware that God is in control.

Anyway looking forward for single retreat and fellowships, i want to have more friendships in the singles with brothers and sisters and i am excited with some new found friends!!

Yesterday I went to the specs shop, but nobody was there to service me, for about 10 minutes i was walking here and there and a man asked me "Do you need anything? Feel free to browse and I will get back to you" then he went to serve other customers.

I don't really feel very comfortable as he didn't come to serve me, like asking me to sit and maybe he can take time to go through with me which type of specs will be nice for my face.. Hmm was I expecting too much??

In the end he came back again to me and said "I am sorry today we are short of people, not that we do not want to serve you but feel free to choose which type and I will get it for you"

I stood there for about 1 minute and decided not to take any chance to wait so that I wont need to face any disappointment.

I find my self dealing a lot in that type of situations right now. The feeling of rejection, abandonment, lead me to stop trying too hard, to stop waiting for something. What if the effort its not worth it? What if its just my own thinking/feeling? What if everything is not as good as I thought it will become?

Today message from God says that I should stop worrying about the future, each day has enough trouble of its own. Tomorrow will worry about itself.You have God so you can stop worrying, for worry doesn't change anything in fact in diminish our faith and trust in God.